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12 October 2009

The Wages of Age

I'm going to be perfectly open and honest, and perhaps not too uplifting today. But, I'm going to guess that if people were closely observing me and my reactions over the past month to questions regarding the impending birth of my daughter (impending as in, due date is Friday!), they would have noticed a certain hesitance in my voice, a certain shift in my gaze, and a dampening in the enthusiasm in my voice. Fact is, the closerwe we get to D-Day, the more nervous and weary I grow in inverse proportion.

Why? Sure, it's my nature, but I also think it really comes down to one factor: I'm eight years older than I once was.

Count out your life eight years at a time, and I bet you'll agree that at each interval you've learned (or will learn) how much more fragile everything is than you thought, how much more dangerous everything is than you thought, how much less control you have than you thought, how much less you know than you thought.

We've been through so many worrisome days and weeks since about late March that you might think these would be the salad days. We got in the new house just in time, and Mom and baby are wonderfully healthy as far as some of the best doctors in the business are concerned. But I can remember, even when taking off the rose-colored glasses of fond recollections, that eight years ago I was much more upbeat, much more enthusiastic, and almost literally had no worries about the Boy's birth. My responsibilities (at least from my earthly perspective) have increased exponentially since then, it seems. The number of hours in the day seem to have dwindled, and I don't sleep enough as it is. Our parents are older and antsier, and fretting. Unlike eight years ago, I now have other people's children to worry over in addition to my own. And like most everyone else, we wonder how secure our jobs are, or at least how much real income we'll have in the coming years. I'm not even going to go down the national security road...

Sorry, little girl. It's not your fault, but Dad's not always a little ball of sunshine.


Anonymous said...

Sit back, take a deep breath, and remind yourself it will be okay. It is stressful - each additional life we bring into this world. And, of course, right now, doesn't seem like the best time, but there isn't usually a right time - there would always be something that would be stressful. As we proceed through additional pregnancies and just age, we do come to find out how much more scary things there are in the world, but we keep going and hope that either we or our children may make things better. You will find a way. When I feel like you are, I generally find someone who seems to feel the same way and talk them out of it. It helps.


School Master P said...

Thanks, Cynedra! Proper perspective is always welcoming to read.

chandler said...

All I can say is, you guys will be fine. You'll be amazed how quickly you fall back into the routine, as well as how much more relaxed you will be with her-- believe it or not. You will remember that such and such was just a phase, and this too shall pass. I worried as well between our first two (5 years difference) and then had my 3rd at the age of 40. While I agree the lack of sleep is daunting, I know that you guys will be just fine. And if you are not, we'll REALLY enjoy reading about it on yours and Wyfe's blogs!!

Best of luck, my friend. Let me know what you need.


Brad K. said...

I cannot think of two better people to perpetuate the species. We can't know all the lives we touch, and how much we have contributed to the world, but others see it and God sees it all. Your concerns are just one manifestation of love, Mr. P., and your capacity for that has already made a difference for many. Parenting is the most significant way you can affect what happens next. Now you're going to have twice the impact. I feel better about the future already.

School Master P said...

Thanks Chandler and Brad - I've calmed down a little, in no small part due to the kind comments here. We'll keep everyone posted!