Up and Down, Up and Down

There's a reason I hate change. Oh, I know the only constant is change, and we can't grow except through change, and blah blah blah-dy blah blah. But change - unless it is the change from something catastrophic to something heavenly - chafes me something awful.

The reason for this, probably, is that I am not patient. All summer I told myself that the new job would involve many adjustments which might take me a year to make, and this was just the beginning of what will hopefully be a long stay, and that it would take a while to find my niche. So what's the problem? Well, the problem turns out to be that all that stuff is TRUE! WHO KNEW?

So my mental state is very day-to-day right now. One day I love my first period, and the next I'm changing their seats, and then they are angels again. Then the next day my fourth period - which will never be great - resembles a jungle, and it appears I've never set foot in a classroom before. So, I call parents, make referrals, etc., and then they seem fine. One day I feel like the yearbook staff has accepted me as their leader, and the next I feel like they want me to leave them alone. One day I feel I've settled in to the particular faculty culture, and the next I feel quite lonely. And on, and on... On Friday I left on a high note, especially because I heard some complimentary things from my department head. But who knows about Monday?

The good news? My first observation went well, and my colleagues (unless I'm totally misreading the signs) have already accepted me and determined I am an asset and an enjoyable colleague. The bad news? Regardless, it will take more time for me to truly feel at home, and there is just no remedy for that but, well, time. I guess I just need to admit defeat on that front and live with those fun feelings of uncertainty.

I may be slightly paraphrasing, but I believe C.S. Lewis wrote, to himself, that "there is nothing to be done about suffering except to suffer." He was speaking of something much worse than job change, but the point is well-taken.